an excellent taste in reading materials
by ophelietta
Summary: Yuzu finds a magazine in Ichigo's room. All hell breaks loose.


**Title :** an excellent taste in reading material (Stupid title, I know. Will think of a better one later.)

**Rating :** PG for some naughty words.

**Summary : **Yuzu finds a magazine in Ichigo's room. All hell breaks loose.

**Dedicated to :** Celeste1. I blame this entirely on her excellent Bleach drabbleage, especially 'study guide' (GOREADNOW!)(!).

**Notes :** I've wanted to write bleachfic for foreeeeeeeever, and this just... burst into my head, in all its cracky and disturbing glory, and um... yes. I HAVE NO EXCUSE.

Comments greatly adored, and virtual taiyaki to any and all reviewers! ('Cause, dude, any food in the shape of a fish that does not actually CONTAIN fish is the greatest thing ever. XD)

I'm sorry, Yuzu-chan. I love you and adore you and I am so, so SORRY.

* * *

** an excellent taste in reading material **

Yuzu is her mother's daughter and her brother's mother - not really of course, 'cause that would be eww, eww, ewwwww - but Niisan is growing up and well, he needs to be fussed over sometimes and there's not really anyone around to do much fussing except for her. Daddy's (many numbered and far too enthusiastic) attempts to land Niisan in the infirmary are not quite the same ; and Karin-chan herself is a little too much like Niisan to really stop him from doing anything that he is set on doing.

So Yuzu is stuck, sometimes, wishing for maybe the millionth, secret time, that Mama was still alive, because Yuzu is fervently positive that Mama would know what to _do _in a situation like this ; or even if she didn't, she'd manage to tackle it in a graceful and effortless way, whereas Yuzu is left standing helplessly in the middle of Niisan's room, holding the magazine that she wished - correction : really, really, really, REALLY wished - she had never found, because the questions it raises are as unaskable as they are unanswerable.

Yuzu held it, helplessly, at some length, allowing the glossy, already-bent pages as little contact with her skin as possible : just the very tips of her thumb and forefinger. It flapped a little pathetically at her as she did so.

She wonders if this has anything to do with Niisan's sudden (almost anxious, except Niisan is _never_ anxious) helpfulness in taking in the mail.

But the problem remains : what should she DO with it? Should she take it to Daddy?

"CONGRATULATIONS, ICHIGO, MY BELOVED SON! AS EVIDENCED BY YOUR EXCELLENT CHOICE IN READING MATERIALS, YOU HAVE FINALLY BECOME A MAN!"

... No. Definitely not.

Karin-chan?

"... What the _hell_?"

Er. No again.

Maybe she should just... put it back? Yuzu thought helplessly. And pretend she never saw it?

No. She could never pull it off. The next time she saw Niisan face to face, she was sure to start fidgeting.

Why didn't they teach anything like this in school? she thought mournfully. It would be ever so much more helpful than learning how airplanes stay up and that the three angles of a triangle always equal 180 degrees. She could imagine the class now : What to Do With a Weird Magazine You've Found in Your Niisan's Room 101.

Yuzu took a deep breath and decided to do the simplest thing possible : she replaced the magazine in the exact same place where she had found it, continued neatening up Niisan's room, and resolved to talk to him - after dinner. She had the faint idea that nobody - _nobody_ - deserved to be put off their food by having... _that_ kind of Talk... right before sitting down to a nice meal.

And it gave her plenty of time to stall and try to think of what to say.

* * *

"Niisan?" she called, balancing the tray on her hip and gently tapping his door with her free hand.

"Yeah?"

"... I brought you a snack."

This was something she had learned : in the months since Ichigo had started grade ten, he greatly disliked anyone entering his room, unless it was for the most valid and certified of reasons.

And bringing up a tray of tea and goodies up to her hard-studying Niisan was a most valid and certified reason, wasn't it? No hidden motives, no sneaky, ninja-like subplots, nope, nope, _nope_.

... Right?

"Eh? Just, er, two seconds - "

Se heard various noises - some thuds and thumps and muffled bangs and growls and mutters and doors sliding shut, stuff like that, which they were all used to by now - before she heard Niisan clear his throat and announce, "Come in!"

He didn't turn when she entered (that was Niisan ; always engrossed in his homework) but the back of his neck shone with sweat.

Yuzu pretended not to see, as she slid the tray onto the free corner of his desk.

"...Thanks a lot, Yuzu," he was saying, "you didn't have to - "

" - Um, it's no problem - " (her hands, now free, began to twist themselves behind her skirt) " - but I was, um, tidying up your room today..."

"Yeah," Niisan grunted, not looking up from his math homework, which had a lot of calculations and funny squiggles scrawled across it. "I saw. Thanks."

"... And um, Ifoundaweirdmagazine."

Niisan's head whipped back so fast that she swore she heard it cracked.

"Wha - _what _magazine? I have NO idea what magazine you're talking about! As a matter of fact, I OWN no magazines! Ahahahahaha!"

His arms milled frantically through the air.

Yuzu wondered if he noticed that he snapped his pencil in two.

His _mechanical pencil. _

"Um, I think you know the one, with the - ? And the - ?"

She made vague, desperate gestures in the air, not really knowing what she was saying slash miming and _hoping to God _- for both his sake and hers - that she wouldn't have to say it aloud.

"Wha - oh, you mean, er, _that _magazine, oh, that's the one you're talking about, er, yeah, ahahahahaha - "

_Niisan _was laughing. Niisan was _laughing_. It was nervous and forced and too loud and just the tiniest bit hysterical : a sure sign of his utter and complete mortification.

" - That's, uh, pretty funny, the way thought it was _mine_, because it isn't really _mine_, see, because I would _never_ buy, never mind _subscribe_ to a magazine like that, because it belongs to a _friend _of mine - no, _really _- "

"Niisan - " She laid her hand on his shoulder, and looked him square in the eye. Okay. She could DO THIS. She gave him her gentlest smile, and said, "Niisan, it's okay. I _understand_. I'm sure it's perfectly normal, and that plenty of other fifteen-year-old boys read magazines like - um, like _that _- and you're getting all grown up and stuff, and it make sense that you wouldn't really want to tell many people that you, er, read the - _that _kind of magazine - but it's _okay_."

She was getting into the groove now. Really, this was going a lot smoother than she thought.

"But - but - " Niisan's voice had pretty much weakened to a croak. He tried one last time. "I'm telling you, it's _not - _"

"Really, Niisan, I'm okay with it. I mean, I thought it was a little... _strange_... at first, but it doesn't seem so weird when you just accept it as a normal part of everyday life. And don't worry, I won't tell Daddy or Karin-chan or anybody. This'll be between just the two of us, okay?"

She gave her kindest, most comforting, little sister-est smile, and waited patiently.

After a few tries, it looked like his voice finally decided to work.

"... Er - sure."

"I'm going to go and prepare everybody's bento for tomorrow now, okay, Niisan? You just keep on working hard at your studies!"

"... Will do."

Then Yuzu, humming and feeling quite glowy and cheerful over a job well done, floated out of the room.

**

* * *

**

**"RUKIA!"**

"... Yeah?"

"I AM NEVER DOING THAT. EVER. AGAIN."

"... Ne, you can't complain. I ASKED if you wanted the free stickers."

"GODDAMMIT RUKIA THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE STICKERS."

"... The iron-on, then?"

"FUCKING _HELL _- "

"But it's so CUTE!"

"FINE GIVE IT TO ME SO I CAN BURN IT."

"... You - you _HOLLOW_! You would BURN an iron-on of CHAPPY THE BUNNY?"

"MY KID SISTER FOUND YOUR CHAPPY NEWSLETTER."

"... And?"

"... I cannot fucking _believe you_."

* * *

The next day, Ichigo marched Rukia down to the post office to get her own damn PO box.

* * *

**super brief afterword**

The chappy the bunny iron on was emblazoned with the words : "have you hugged your chappy today?" XD


End file.
